tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86163533375693131362024-03-14T03:31:33.638-05:00Poop Chronicles: Adventures Across the USChristina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.comBlogger21125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-83153022808181291572012-11-15T16:01:00.001-06:002012-11-15T16:01:54.386-06:00Ice cream... <br/><br/><div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-vahMig_l5TM/UKVmULwmuXI/AAAAAAAAAmg/-KA9oHCftwk/s640/blogger-image--573945741.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-vahMig_l5TM/UKVmULwmuXI/AAAAAAAAAmg/-KA9oHCftwk/s640/blogger-image--573945741.jpg" /></a></div>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-39194483756429728762012-10-30T11:08:00.004-05:002012-10-30T11:08:53.102-05:00Love & Farting<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-81590835896426231102012-10-30T11:03:00.000-05:002012-10-30T11:13:10.347-05:00Debates--and NOT the political kind<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #eeeeee; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">September 26, 2012</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">I have had many requests for, questions about, and concerns pertaining to the absence of the poop chronicles. To my legion of fans, I must apologize for my absence. Unfortunately there just hasn't been anything particularly interesting during my bowel banishings lately. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-size: large;">Until tonight</span></span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">... </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">So after having a nice dinner here in the hotel, I was taking a leisurely stroll </span></span><br />
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #eeeeee;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">through the lobby on the way back to my room. I decided I wanted something sweet for later. A nice little late night snack. I went up to the pantry, had a look around, and goody goody there was an ice cream sandwich with a chocolate shell type thingy that looked awesome. </span>Sold!<span style="font-size: x-small;"> With my newly acquired goodness in tow, I returned to my room. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #eeeeee;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">It was upon my return that I realized my error... I have no fridge in this room. Damn it... I would have to eat the ice cream immediately. So I did. About two bites in, you guessed it, I had to poop. And it really wasn't a "don't worry about it, you can take your time" kind of poop. It was more of a "</span><i>go ahead and test me boy</i><span style="font-size: x-small;">" kind of poop. So I did what any other </span>red blooded 'Murrican<span style="font-size: x-small;"> would do, I dropped trou and proceeded to deuce while finishing my ice cream. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #eeeeee; font-size: x-small;">This was pretty cool. I mean, if I was making a list of my favorite things to do, deucing and eating ice cream would both probably make the top ten. So I finished my ice cream, and proceeded with my first round of T.P. use. I say first round because I realized, well was rather told by my colon, that I wasn't quite done and would need additional clean up shortly. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #eeeeee;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">So as I waited, I saw it... There was something brown on my finger... Here is where the shame comes in. For about 20 seconds, </span>I stared at it debating<span style="font-size: x-small;">... It could be chocolate, or it could be something that would not taste like chocolate... The adult side won the battle as I figured, chocolate or not, you did just wipe your ass. Probably best if you don't lick that finger. So I finished up, washed my hands, and am now passing this poop chronicle on to you. Enjoy!</span></span></div>
Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-68314368234526990782012-10-30T10:59:00.001-05:002012-10-30T11:12:46.460-05:00Poop Peripherals<span style="background-color: #444444; color: #eeeeee; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">October 30, 2012</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Today's chronicle will not deal with pooping per say, but a related topic. A "poop peripheral" if you will. </span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Today, I want to talk to you about ninja farts. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">While on a plane to Chicago this morning, I felt a little turbulence in my gut and knew I had some bubbles to blow. Now we are all aware of how to release silent farts, but ninja farts take it a step farther. N</span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">inja farts attack the senses of their intended target, without knowledge of who the ninja is (because ninjas are sneaky) and even go as far as to throw suspicion on another. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">To successfully ninja fart, you must take the following steps: </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">First</span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">, ensure that you are dealing with a fart and nothing more. This is VERY IMPORTANT as things can end very badly for you if not. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;">Next</span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">, ensure you can position for optimal silence during release. Remember, you are trying to be sneaky, not squeaky. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Once steps one and two are confirmed, locate your target and fall guy. Locating the target is a matter of identifying the direction of wind travel. Which way is your fart going to move? Look for someone eating (not as a target, don't be an ass) or a lady wearing perfume. Identify where they are sitting and if you can smell what they have. This will help you with wind direction. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">Now that you have your path determined, you have to ensure a proper fall guy is in place. This is the true point that separates a silent fart from a ninja fart. The fall guy (and it is best for this to be a male) must look like he would fart in public. Not that the individual has to look rough or rugged, just more likely to smell than yourself. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">With everything in place, fire away. </span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-size: large;">Start small</span></span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">. Let a little at a time and watch the fury develop in your target and the dirty looks they throw at the fall guy. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">And when it is all over, if they happen to make a comment about "the guy in front of me", just smile and say "</span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><i>yeah, I got a couple whiffs myself.</i></span><span style="font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18px;">" That's what I did :)</span></span>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-55749269981230029422012-06-15T22:13:00.001-05:002012-06-15T22:13:08.651-05:00Trust issuesThanks to our friend, Amber, for this share!<div class="separator"style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-uU_1kT0dWTM/T9v5wzDludI/AAAAAAAAAlY/wsZwxZ4Gn2M/s640/blogger-image--1704183516.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-uU_1kT0dWTM/T9v5wzDludI/AAAAAAAAAlY/wsZwxZ4Gn2M/s640/blogger-image--1704183516.jpg" /></a></div>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-2990909013497240852012-06-14T10:00:00.004-05:002012-06-14T10:00:38.539-05:00RIP Girlie CatMarch 20, 2009<br />
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Clint's childhood cat, Cajun (aka Girlie Cat) . She was a jerk to everyone except Clint. He has a way with the ladies...<br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Dc74hchX5A0/T9n8hniUZsI/AAAAAAAAAlM/9ujRjDMEeHw/s1600/Cajun.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="480" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Dc74hchX5A0/T9n8hniUZsI/AAAAAAAAAlM/9ujRjDMEeHw/s640/Cajun.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-88638410108680444672012-06-14T09:53:00.004-05:002012-06-14T09:53:40.250-05:00How you know it's a partyJune 13, 2012<br />
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The best stories always provoke deep thought, reflection, a better understanding of others, laughter, and unexpected endings. I,<span style="font-size: large;"> of course</span>, attempt to portray this in the chronicles... this is one of those times. <br />
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While in the Detroit airport, I finished a meal at the Detroit 500 club restaurant (sounds a lot fancier than it is) which sports a racing theme. It didn't tak<span class="text_exposed_show">e long for me to realize why as the food raced straight through my colon and was <span style="font-size: large;">squealing tires at the finish line</span>. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">As I made my way into the men's restroom, I noticed it was a popular place. Probably because it was the closest one to that horrible restaurant. All stalls were occupied. I then noticed a blind man, cane and all, standing in the middle of the restroom. By middle I mean 5 urinals <span style="font-size: large;">(all occupied)</span> 2 feet on one side of him and 3 stalls <span style="font-size: large;">(all occupied)</span> on the other side of him. He was alone and waiting for a stall to come open. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">A stall came open at the same time a urinal was flushed. He turned slightly one way and then the other. I could tell there was too much commotion for him to know whether a stall door had opened. At this point, I stepped forward and said, “This one just opened up for you buddy.”</span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show"> He quickly thanked me and stepped into the stall, and shortly after, I stepped into the next one available. As I sat there doing my business, I kept thinking about how difficult that guy had it. I’m sure many of us have thought about how tough it would be to be blind, but I never considered the public restroom scenario. <span style="font-size: large;">Especially alone</span>. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">He would have to reach out and touch around the edges to know what was on each side. If he chose to use a urinal, he would have to touch it somewhere to ensure he was lined up. Not only does he have to touch everything, but he would most likely accidently touch other men while they have their units in their hands (and so you ladies know, we <span style="font-size: large;">do not speak</span> to men we don’t know while urinating, let alone brush their backs with our hands as we walk by). </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">And think about how much better this individual’s sense of smell probably is… Not the place I would want that gift. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">How about when he does make it into a stall? I have sat, dropped a deuce, and then realized there wasn’t any toilet paper there… and I have the ability to look first. He has to physically find it each time before letting loose or find himself in a very difficult situation. Then, of course, we all have heard the joke: <em><span style="font-size: large;">How does a blind man know when he is done wiping?</span></em> </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">All of this ran through my head, and I’m feeling deep sympathy for this man. I reach over to grab some toilet paper, look up, and see the following statement written on the wall, “It’s not a party until I cum.” <span style="font-size: large;">Awesome.</span></span>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-16328749588906981912012-06-12T23:01:00.005-05:002012-06-12T23:01:57.208-05:00Museum knowledgeWhile taking my 7 year old niece to the local children's museum, we discovered this sign in the bathroom. <br />
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-86oSDPSHI9w/T9gQqUrkqZI/AAAAAAAAAjs/CZES_sdbO80/s1600/cmoe.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-86oSDPSHI9w/T9gQqUrkqZI/AAAAAAAAAjs/CZES_sdbO80/s640/cmoe.jpg" width="382" /></a></div>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-81812791778889315052012-06-12T23:00:00.001-05:002012-06-12T23:00:16.730-05:00'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharped dressed manMay 27, 2012<br />
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Have you ever pooped while wearing a <span style="font-size: large;">tux</span>? This was new to me.<br />
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I had to undo suspenders get my vest adjusted so it wouldn't ride up and I have to admit, it isn't real comfortable. <br />
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But then I thought, I'm dressed fancier while taking a shit than I am for work... <br />
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<span style="font-size: large;">That made it all worth it.</span>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-3005145191138825572012-06-12T22:59:00.000-05:002012-06-12T22:59:04.897-05:00Shartlight?An old friend shared this link. <a href="http://www.regretsy.com/2012/05/09/turn-on-your-shartlight/">http://www.regretsy.com/2012/05/09/turn-on-your-shartlight/</a><br />
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Take a look. You can see the corn when it's lit!Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-55758065653682273632012-06-12T22:57:00.001-05:002012-06-12T22:57:23.088-05:00What it means to be a mammalMay 23, 2012<br />
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During many of my travels, I find myself in areas much less humid than Evansville. This causes my skin to become dry and in need of some extra moisture. With this in mind, I have started using the <span style="font-size: large;">hotel lotion</span> each night after my shower with great results. <br />
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This evening, after lotioning my entire body (that's right, I can reach most of it), I realized I had just rubbed in hair conditioner all over me instead of lotion... <br />
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Now for those of you who have seen me with my shirt off (<span style="font-size: large;">you're welcome</span>) you know I'm a bit more mammal than a lesser man. Well, I can now report that at this point in time, rubbing my chest is like petting a young rabbit. <span style="font-size: large;">Furry, soft, adorable</span>.Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-56245215330978588542012-06-12T22:55:00.002-05:002012-06-12T22:55:23.421-05:00Bathroom EtiquetteMay 11, 2012<br />
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Ok folks, I can't make this stuff up... <br />
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Currently sitting in Atlanta's airport, doing my deed. First off, this toilet is the complete opposite of Colorado's yesterday. This one is so low (Amber Boyd would be thrilled) it's like I'm <span style="font-size: large;">deucing in a hole</span> in the ground like they do in Africa (thanks for that bit of trivia Matt Hennesy). <br />
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But that's not the reason for the post. There is currently a guy in here, at the urinal, rapping. No head phones, no friends, just flowing the best he can. <br />
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This is awkward. <br />
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For those of you who are not familiar with bathroom etiquette, it is the same as a porn shops... No talking... and wash your hands.Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-2189811282003328542012-06-12T22:53:00.003-05:002012-06-12T22:53:48.136-05:00Glorious MountaintopsMay 10, 2012<br />
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Pooping in Colorado Springs airport and the toilet is so high, if I sit<span style="font-size: large;"> (no "h" ha!)</span> straight up, I can swing my feet. Must be how Amber Boyd feels daily. <br />
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I guess everything is about altitude here in Colorado. The toilet is often called the throne, and a throne is an area to sit high and mighty. Currently, I'm just sitting high... Not so mighty. <br />
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Then again, I am in the Rockies and creating my own mountain...Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-6593268262152423792012-06-12T22:52:00.000-05:002012-06-12T22:52:29.912-05:00Kitty loveHave you ever rubbed your spouse, fiance, bf/gf's feet while they were pooping? No? And you have the nerve to tell them you love them...<br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HcfQnYPz2k0/T9gOU4XShAI/AAAAAAAAAjk/w8M-0cG7PQw/s1600/kane+love.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-HcfQnYPz2k0/T9gOU4XShAI/AAAAAAAAAjk/w8M-0cG7PQw/s320/kane+love.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-52904997537844688642012-06-12T22:50:00.001-05:002012-06-12T22:50:22.349-05:00Monkey Attack<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_4fd80cf277d1d1533275498">
April 19, 2012</div>
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I had just finished my business (sort of) in the Omaha airport when I noticed a guy standing outside my stall waiting for the next stall to open (bit of a <span style="font-size: large;">group poop</span> in progress). The problem with this is I am<span style="font-size: large;"> 95% sure</span> he was watching me through the crack in the door. I think our eyes even met. </div>
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How could I wipe while getting the stink eye from this prick? I have to be ho<span class="text_exposed_show">nest, I contemplated a <span style="font-size: large;">monkey attack</span>... this would have involved me taking a wipe and tossing it over the door at him. I talked myself out of this. Best case, I would be right that he is watching me and he would dodge it because he saw it coming. Worst case, he was innocent and would be assualted by <span style="font-size: large;">flung poo</span>. I chose to wait until another stall was free and he moved to complete my business. </span></div>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-53041925553924292272012-06-12T22:48:00.000-05:002012-06-12T22:48:06.215-05:00HomeApril 13, 2012<br />
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One more flight then home for 4 days... I know many like to put Evansville down or say they can't wait to get out. I've been back and forth across this country, and I will tell you now: Evansville is home. It will always be home. Call the river dirty, call the corn fields boring, call the Lloyd a stop light pit, call the weather ridiculous, call the Ford Center cramped, call the north siders snobs, call the south siders ghetto, call the west siders inbred, call the east siders newburgh wannabes, but in the same breath, call it ours... I wouldn't want it any other way.Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-24407044415475170942012-06-12T22:45:00.002-05:002012-06-12T22:45:19.354-05:00Pinterest boardsMar. 27, 2012<br />
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Haven't had a poop update in a while... pooping now.... in the Omaha airport. I've pooped here before, but not this stall. I would recommend it. Good color scheme, relaxing music, two rolls of tp. Mens' restroom, near A gates, first stall on right. Put in on your "places to poop" board on Pinterest.Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-63138179153787712952012-06-12T22:42:00.003-05:002012-06-12T22:42:49.906-05:00Kitty humor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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A friend posted this. We had to share!Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-64448409248884466282012-06-12T22:41:00.003-05:002012-06-12T22:41:32.644-05:00Steak DinnersFeb. 8, 2012<br />
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Just had an awesome steak at Anthony's in Omaha. Then Matt Hennessy and I took turns dropping dueces... good times!Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-1325291013306375442012-06-12T22:40:00.002-05:002012-06-12T22:40:53.856-05:00AnomoliesFeb. 3, 2012<br />
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While passing through security in Grand Rapids, I was screened in one of the full body scans. This machine can detect a gum wrapper in your pocket. While standing there waiting to be told I'm good, the TSA agent is radioed. <br />
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He says, "They are registering an<span style="font-size: large;"> anomaly in your groan area</span>." <br />
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I smiled and replied, "Thanks. Could you tell that to the cute agent up there checking ticke<span class="text_exposed_show">ts?" </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">At this point every agent within ear shot was laughing. Needless to say I was taken to a side room felt up from head to toe with emphasis on my <span style="font-size: large;">goodies</span>. As inconvenient as this was, I was never angry or disrespectful. </span><br />
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<span class="text_exposed_show">The moral of the story is don't get bent out of shape at someone for doing their job. </span>Christina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8616353337569313136.post-85261349173895167192012-06-12T22:36:00.000-05:002012-06-12T22:36:07.064-05:00Where to begin...This blog is a collection of <em><span style="font-size: large;">tales from the toilet</span></em>. Literally. My husband travels regularly and for whatever reason he has the tendency to update his Facebook about his, erm,<span style="font-size: large;"> bowel</span> movements. As horrid as this may sound, he has quite the following. <br />
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I'm a school teacher and have the summer off. Rather than cleaning out my fridge (which is what I should be doing, but have convinced myself can<span style="font-size: large;"> probably</span> wait), I decided to build a quick blog.<br />
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I am taking his updates and posting them as separate posts for all the world to see. Hopefully, he will update this on his own. Until then, I will copy/paste/edit away. <br />
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Enjoy!<br />
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The MissusChristina Bartleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03721087036276674505noreply@blogger.com0