Poop Peripherals

October 30, 2012

Today's chronicle will not deal with pooping per say, but a related topic. A "poop peripheral" if you will. Today, I want to talk to you about ninja farts. 

While on a plane to Chicago this morning, I felt a little turbulence in my gut and knew I had some bubbles to blow. Now we are all aware of how to release silent farts, but ninja farts take it a step farther. Ninja farts attack the senses of their intended target, without knowledge of who the ninja is (because ninjas are sneaky) and even go as far as to throw suspicion on another. 

To successfully ninja fart, you must take the following steps: 

First, ensure that you are dealing with a fart and nothing more. This is VERY IMPORTANT as things can end very badly for you if not. 

Next, ensure you can position for optimal silence during release. Remember, you are trying to be sneaky, not squeaky. 

Once steps one and two are confirmed, locate your target and fall guy. Locating the target is a matter of identifying the direction of wind travel. Which way is your fart going to move? Look for someone eating (not as a target, don't be an ass) or a lady wearing perfume. Identify where they are sitting and if you can smell what they have. This will help you with wind direction. 

Now that you have your path determined, you have to ensure a proper fall guy is in place. This is the true point that separates a silent fart from a ninja fart. The fall guy (and it is best for this to be a male) must look like he would fart in public. Not that the individual has to look rough or rugged, just more likely to smell than yourself. 

With everything in place, fire away. Start small. Let a little at a time and watch the fury develop in your target and the dirty looks they throw at the fall guy. 

And when it is all over, if they happen to make a comment about "the guy in front of me", just smile and say "yeah, I got a couple whiffs myself." That's what I did :)